My Journey With Adoption
I have always felt like a dirty little secret. A lie! And I was…
I was 2 yrs old when my mother gave me away.
At the age of two a child realises they are actually separate from their mother and this can result in a child becoming very clingy. Not an ideal time to be given away, if there actually is one. It was a time of massive confusion and grief. I am told I sank into extreme depression and almost died of pneumonia (lungs is connected with grief in Eastern Medicine).
At 13 I found out my best friend in high school was actually my cousin.
At 15 I found out my birth mother was having her 3rd baby to her husband (she already had two sons), I prayed she would have a daughter so she would be reminded of me every day. Guess what…She did have a girl!
I then accidentally contacted that girl, my half-sister via ancestry.com years later.
My family friend who I called “Aunty”, and lived across the street from us, turned out to be my birth grandmother.
At 18 I met one of the possibilities of my birth father (the baker boy). Never met the other (the banker boy).
At 30 my mother agreed to meet me, but then changed her mind.
I was 50 years old when I met my birth mother & it didn’t go well.
People who knew my birth mother would constantly tell me how alike we were. Walked the same, talked the same, liked the same music at the same age, even won the same sporting trophy at the same age. Go genetics!!!
I always felt a part of me was missing, that I didn’t belong anywhere and that there must be something very wrong with me for my own mother to not want me, especially when she kept me for 2 years before giving me away.
Unfortunately, my adoptive parents were alcoholics, neglectful and abusive and this set me up for some pretty big lessons in this lifetime.
My deepest wounds to heal have been, Abandonment, Rejection, Unworthiness and overwhelming Grief. I felt so sad, angry and lost. My pain was deep and seemed to penetrate every part of my life. Adoption is not always rosy and it can be complicated.
It was weird growing up knowing members of my birth family but not being included in family gatherings or social media posts as my mothers husband and children knew nothing of me. I spent years ignoring my own feelings to make everyone else comfortable, to keep my mothers secret, to keep being a lie.
After accidentally contacting my sister, through Ancestry.com my mother came to meet me, however it turns out it was just to keep me quiet. She was still not willing or able to tell the truth. My mother lied to my sister about my identity and I was that rejected, abandoned, unwanted toddler all over again. After she left, I was devastated and cried for weeks.
This was when my adoptive brother held my pain with his beautiful words… “you might be a lie, but you are a beautiful lie” and my gorgeous children hugged away my tears and told me “we will be your family forever, the only family you need”.
I am pleased to say, that after A LOT of healing trauma on both my birth and adoptive lineage I am free from negative beliefs. I am no longer sad or angry that my birth mother wants nothing to do with me, no longer desperate for her love, acceptance or approval, no longer feel unworthy, rejected or un-loveable. I am comfortable in who I am, grateful for my chosen family, proud of how far I have come and blessed to be able to use my experiences to help others heal their deepest wounds.
If you have unhealed trauma from adoption or other issues please reach out to me. I actually understand. I am here to listen, to give you space for your voice and walk beside you, supporting you in your healing journey.
We don’t have to spend our lives feeling unworthy, broken, rejected or abandoned. We are not meant to stay wounded. It is actually our birth right to be loved, to belong, to exist, to have needs.
“Adoption is broken and beautiful” My favourite life
